Maaaan, Listen! For the past few weeks, shit maybe a month now I’ve been seeing you niggas complain to the world about how bad the Friend Zone is and totally oblivious as to why your ass was put there in the first place. You should see these niggas, b. Right now these silly muthafuckas are sitting at home, eyes glued to shorty’s timeline, watching her tweet about #him and at first he’ll think “Is she…is she talking about me?” and then the very next tweet the chick’ll say some shit about #Him that aint got SHIT to with #His ass and the nigga tosses his iPhone into his couch cushion. He immediately returns to his phone and texts the girl and it usually goes something like this:
His Ass: Hey, what’s up girl?
Her Ass: Hi!! What (She’s excited cus she has a “him” not because of you, b.)
His Ass: I see you forgot about me lol ( :/ you reply with some shit like “How you been, stranger?” knowing damn well she tweeted you yesterday, and then you add the “lol” or a smiley face to lighten how desperate you sound)
Her Ass: LOL What do you mean? (She knows EXACTLY what the FUCK you mean, b! Women just LOVE hearing how a nigga wants them tho so they make you explain…and more often than you gon…)
His Ass: I thought we was gonna kick it soon, what happened? ( Say some simp ass shit like this. Fam, the fact that you even have to remind & ask her about a time yall was supposed to chill means it wasn’t gonna happen for you)
Her Ass: I know Im sorry, hun. We can chill tomorrow. Me and Derrick was going shopping with some friends, you want to go? (THE FUCKING HURT, b.)
Not only did she call you “Hun” which you thought was a good sign, she invited your fucking ass to chill with her….AND Derrick! FUCK! NOW you have to act like you’re all cool with it and that’s pretty much the end of the convo. You’re fucked, my friend. I call that “Doug Funnie Factor””, b.
For those of you lame new niggas who may not have seen this show. Doug Funnie (green sweater vested chap with apparently balding hair) was a 13 year old boy that had a major crush on this girl Patti Mayonnaise (That name still is fucking crazy to me, b.). Every time Patti would come around Doug, he looked just like the picture shows, all high off the love he has for her, and Patti would have been talking about how nasty the lunch food was. Doug NEVER made a move on Patti, just remained her “friend” so that’s exactly how she treated his simple ass. You know who DID fuck with Patti tho?
You guessed it, Roger fucking Klotz, b (the “bad boy”) . Even with Patti being so opposed to his behavior towards her friend Doug, whenever there was a concert that came to Bluffington, Patti would be going with Roger. Know why?! Cus Roger APPROACHED her while Doug’s bitch ass waited for “the perfect time” to say something. Roger would give Doug and Skeeter a wedgie and then be like “Hey Patti, me…you…the Beets concert, Friday” and Patti’s country ass would be like “Okaaaay”. I peeped this early in the game and lost wild respect for Doug, b. Roger won. Fuck Doug.
Always remember. ITS YOUR FAULT you’re in the Friend Zone, b NO one else’s. You trying to be too cool and friendly and shit got you hearing about good of a time she had with her “boo” last night. Whether you niggas know it or not, the girl knew from the jump she was gonna put your extra nice ass in the friend zone, but she gave you a lane to try to get up out and 9 times outta 10, you niggas give her every reason to keep you there. You can’t be too nice, b. That’s where you niggas fuck up at. Don’t be disrespectful but don’t behave as if EVERYTHING that comes outta her mouth is THAT fucking interesting because we ALL know women say some bullshit just for the sake of making noise come out of them. You niggas are hysterically laughing at their corny ass jokes, you are being overall pathetic and even though she may not say shit ( I mean why? she’s not your girl so if that’s how you wanna act then fuck it, right ladies?) she’s peeping your whole attitude and knocking points off in her head AND adding points to the nigga she chilled with before you. She pushes you to see how much you can take like putting you on hold for MAD long, wont answer your texts/ return your phone calls for HOURS and then hits you back to see if you’re going to say something about it. They test to see if you’re solid enough for em (dont ask me why, b. This is just the shit they do). Day after day she’s STILL kicking it with you and your simp ass is never the wiser that she doesn’t want to be with you, not even a little bit. And by the time you DO think you want to make a move, she shatters your fucking dreams by telling you or asking her about her “him” and now you are put in a position….you comment on the relationship OR comment on the fact that you want to be more than friends. You wanna know what to do? NEITHER! Just be like “word? thats crazy” and totally change the fucking subject, b. (sidenote: The ONLY time its acceptable to talk to a chick about her relationship is if she’s mad at him and you wanna make yourself look good by being the very opposite of that nigga’s bullshit) Don’t let her disrespect you, nigga. Don’t let her talk about another nigga while you with her, FUCK THAT! Trust and believe a chick is NOT gonna sit there while you talk about how happy you are with another chick if she likes you. She’s gonna throw SOME type of salt to let you know she don’t wanna hear that shit, b i’m telling you.
Depending on HOW long you been fucking up will determine whether can still seal the deal or not. If this has been months/years. Hang it up, b. You are NEVER going get with her unless some “Brown Sugar” movie shit happens (which doesn’t so just move the fuck on). If it’s only been a week or so, just start being more stand-offish. Stop hitting her up every 30 fucking minutes and don’t speak to her all fucking day. Even if she texts you, just ignore them shits. This sudden change in behavior will trigger her curiosity and want to keep pursuing you to at least know why the fuck she couldn’t get a text/call back. When you finally do explain, DON’T apologize just say some shit like “Yeah, I was busy as fuck yesterday, shit today too what’s up tho?”. Notice I didn’t say “my bad” or “my fault” nah FUCK THAT you was busy, nigga!! Not only were you busy yesterday you are busy today too, so please dont waste my fucking time. She’ll say some other shit, depending on the woman. She can go ghetto/ratchet and be like “Oh word? that’s how you feel?” like being busy is disrespectful :/ in which case I prefer you just leave that bitch alone cus being put in the Friend Zone by a ghetto broad is just disgraceful, b. OR she’ll be on that “I just wanted to” shit, chicks always “just wanted” to do some shit when they don’t wanna tell you the REAL reason they hit you up, b. If she “just wanted to” say hi, see what you was doing, etc. she was thinking about you, b and you’re on your way back. From then on, just keep making her work for your attention. You HAVE TO do this BECAUSE of how accessible you made yourself in the beginning. She has to know that she’s not the only thing on your plate, b. After you get her to like you again, make your move. Ask her to go somewhere, do something, I don’t really give a fuck what you say just set something that only the 2 of you can do, and do it! Use that time to make yourself look cool and not “too cool”. Make her laugh, pretty much make her do all those lame things YOU were doing before you got put in the Zone. Once you solidify that date, you’re in the fucking clear, fam. She’ll be on YOUR dick, hitting YOU up to chill and again and you have redeemed yourself.
If all else fails, STOP BEING HER FUCKING FRIEND. There’s no rule I have to accept your friendship if you don’t want to fuck with me, in fact I can’t think of any women I chose to do that with. The fuck I wanna be your friend for if I can’t ultimately hit that? The fuck outta here, I did NOT approach you to gain another (just a) friend. How could I? I can just tell from the way you look that you seem like you can give good advice and be there for me when I’m down and listen to my problems? NO, you look good and shit so I wanna holla at you. Period. If you hit me with the rejection and suggest friendship, unless I knew I could eventually (no more than a week) fuck you then you can shove that friend request right up your ass, ma. I got enough friends. THIS is why so many women do it because YALL allow it. FUCK THAT, stop settling for what these chicks wanna do and stand up for yourself, b. Women outnumber us 2:1, they are OUT here and there’s no reason to be STRESSING over ONE. Take heed to these words, nigga. I’m telling you’ll be richer from it. Peace.